The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
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A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
finally found a reasonable question
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏