Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
You Might Also Like
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me