Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
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[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.