Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
You Might Also Like
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They’re the Tolkien white guys.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I love it when I go to untie a shoe and inadvertently tie a Double Reverse Hitch knot and have to hire an Eagle Scout to get my sneaker off.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on my family name. No strings attached. You can even keep the kids.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
*watching The Revenant*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
GRANDMA WHERE IS YOUR COOKIE RECIPE
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame