@Shower4Thought

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

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@sixfootcandy

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

@Mr_DrinksOnMe

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They’re the Tolkien white guys.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

I love it when I go to untie a shoe and inadvertently tie a Double Reverse Hitch knot and have to hire an Eagle Scout to get my sneaker off.

@ohthatbadger

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

@JustEnduring

WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on my family name. No strings attached. You can even keep the kids.

@jctwritesstuff

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

@SketchesbyBoze

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame