Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
OH. COME. ON.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69