Let’s turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.
Babysitting Pro Tip: Make them play Dungeons & Dragons until they love it so their parents will never have to worry about teenage pregnancy.
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“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*