@torrami

Babysitting Pro Tip: Make them play Dungeons & Dragons until they love it so their parents will never have to worry about teenage pregnancy.

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@LackOfShame

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

@ShortSleeveSuit

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

@McClaneJohn2

Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?

@JohnLyonTweets

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

@OllyiConic

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

@RiverClegg

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

@surrealvehicle

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

@GorillaNipples1

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*