[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
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I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay