It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
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Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.