[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Happy Star Wars day!
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”