[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
You Might Also Like
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
In case you needed to hear it:
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.