Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
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I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Every time.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”