[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
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harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.