@Pork_Chop_Hair

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

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@Parkerlawyer

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

@skedaddle74

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

@imlaurenmcguire

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

@Douchekevin

This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says ‘buy something’.

@FinallyHeSleeps

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

@jonnysun

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

@McNevich

Nice try, people that invite me to things that aren’t in my house

@alexblagg

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now