Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
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Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
You are not alone 💚
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.