China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
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Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”