I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
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Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
When you don’t understand how floors work
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.