Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
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13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap