@Cain_Unable

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

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@thenatewolf

*everybody gasps as I drop the baby*
Oh no was it expensive?

@CruisinSoozan

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

@MelvinofYork

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

@House_Feminist

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

@tweetarded1

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons. nnWTF. I was looking right at her.

@morgan_murphy

I don’t think I could be a mom. Listening to another person cry all night just seems awful & I wouldn’t want to impose that on a baby.

@shesxridiculous

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

@Carbosly

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

@MarfSalvador

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd