back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
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amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
every single time
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP