@redherringbear

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

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@IanKarmel

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

@moose_chocolate

I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it “Game of Thrones”.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

@AddledPixie

Many people are predicting a baby boom nine months from now, but I’m predicting a boom of really shitty screenplays.

@carlyken

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

@TheBeerGuy73

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

@FuckabillyRex

“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”

@DanMentos

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

@thedailymarker

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.