22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
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Him: Honey, I wrecked the car.
Me: Omg! Did you pick up the food first?
I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it “Game of Thrones”.
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Many people are predicting a baby boom nine months from now, but I’m predicting a boom of really shitty screenplays.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.