Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

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[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.


Me: But can robots write poetry?!

Droid: We do not cry / when we are small / for we were never born at all

Me: [Choking back tears] Dude


After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.


Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.


Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.


Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.


The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.


Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.


Biden: They don’t really think I’d say this stuff, right?
Obama: Come on Joe, you’ve said worse


*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.