@215potter

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

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@Tmoney68

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

@Audenary

Me: But can robots write poetry?!

Droid: We do not cry / when we are small / for we were never born at all

Me: [Choking back tears] Dude

@kashanacauley

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

@RunwayDan

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

@Darlainky

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

@WildeThingy

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

@RunOldMan

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

@jctwritesstuff

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

@jbillinson

Biden: They don’t really think I’d say this stuff, right?
Obama: Come on Joe, you’ve said worse
Biden: HE’S NOT MY PRESIDENT BARACK. YOU ARE

@3sunzzz

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH