Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
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I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Practicing safe sax
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.