back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

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*texts god*

Me: yo, can we add “being a grammar nazi” to the list of sins? Their annoying.
God: *they’re


Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.


My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.


*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*


How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”



*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!