back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
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*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.