Me: yo, can we add “being a grammar nazi” to the list of sins? Their annoying.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
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Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Im half scotch.
And i dont mean scottish.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!