Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
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“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Hey Fugeddaboutit
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME