@3sunzzz

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

You Might Also Like

@sarousti

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

@newportdaddy

Michelle Obama & Melania Trump meeting:

*shaking hands*
Michelle: Hi, I’m Michelle.
Melania: Hi, I’m Michelle.

@sophielou

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

@PoshTick

[first day as an undercover police officer]

me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime

@Reverend_Scott

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

@PortRooster

If women had to be assembled, a lot of us would probably just play with the box…

@ellewasamistake

me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated

@Ristolable

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

@Home_Halfway

Pennywise got his name because he’s very savvy financially.

He lives in the sewer to avoid paying rent, and he eats kids instead of buying groceries.