Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

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FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building


Michelle Obama & Melania Trump meeting:

*shaking hands*
Michelle: Hi, I’m Michelle.
Melania: Hi, I’m Michelle.


Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….


[first day as an undercover police officer]

me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime


911: What’s your emergency?


911: Barista?


911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now


If women had to be assembled, a lot of us would probably just play with the box…


me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated


I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time


Pennywise got his name because he’s very savvy financially.

He lives in the sewer to avoid paying rent, and he eats kids instead of buying groceries.