Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
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Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Happy birthday to all the women
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!