Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
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Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you鈥檇 be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I鈥檓 a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
and now we wait
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don鈥檛 vacuum your sister
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
just because your parents planned you doesn鈥檛 mean you weren鈥檛 a mistake
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE鈥橲 A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don鈥檛 know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
馃幍 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!馃幍WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
It was my daughter鈥檚 turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
鈥an walk up and down stairs
鈥an easily identify when someone is talking
鈥nows all US states except one
鈥nce ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
鈥an smell most numbers
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.