Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

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friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore


“Good luck with your little skits!”

-Shakespeare’s mom.


“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football


Unless you’re planning to lay there shirtless in an open casket, there really is no point to killing yourself with diet and exercise.


my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min


Me: sleep before the monsters get you

7: monsters aren’t real

M: you sound like your brother

7: brother?

M: I’ve said too much already


“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”