@ObscureGent

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

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@ADHDeanASL

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

@thenatewolf

“Good luck with your little skits!”

-Shakespeare’s mom.

@DrakeGatsby

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

@realHamOnWry

Unless you’re planning to lay there shirtless in an open casket, there really is no point to killing yourself with diet and exercise.

@seamussaid

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

@DaddyJew

Me: sleep before the monsters get you

7: monsters aren’t real

M: you sound like your brother

7: brother?

M: I’ve said too much already

@UncleDuke1969

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“Was I speeding?”

“No. Because you have a pony tail.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Sir, you’re over 40.”