ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
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BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
My superpower is making red lights turn green simply by trying to write a tweet.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
*pulls away from kissing my girlfriend’s twin*
TWIN: she’ll never find out about us
ME: thanks dude you’re a trustworthy guy
I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
The best thing about the Earth is if you poke holes in it oil and gas come out.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
just got into a fist fight at the grocery store because i was hoarding ALL of the sensuality