Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
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i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
bout dat hot dog summer
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I saw this ending much differently.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck