Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
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me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I’m confident, but not ‘say hors d’oeuvres aloud at a fancy restaurant’ confident.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’