Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
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Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Every haunted house movie:
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Guy who likes music
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Don’t make me out nice you.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.