Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

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[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*


me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?


I’m confident, but not ‘say hors d’oeuvres aloud at a fancy restaurant’ confident.


Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything


(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*


A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.


Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know


My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’