Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
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her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I think I’m having a stroke
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.