Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
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Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider