Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

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Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too


There’s three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.


*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM


me: one time i almost got trampled to death in a mosh pit
kid: did you die?
me: hmm


Me: We should go to the gym more often.
Him: I hate it there. It’s like a meat market. And I’m the expired meat.


Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.


I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.


If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.