@TheHyyyype: mechanic: i'm gonna have to replace your brakes me: with what

@MomOnFire: So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

@Reverend_Scott: I don't think people should throw stones in regular houses either.

@KarateDonuts: Me: *pouring beer on the ground* CW: For your homies? Me: What? No. This is Coors Light. Nobody should drink this shit.

@bridger_w: When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won't have to look for one when I become a ghost