@AndyRichter

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

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@KaylaChowShow

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

@heatherlou_

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

@KevinFarzad

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.

@JimNorton

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

@Pumpkinbabypie

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

@U_Want_Shum_M8

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

@BookishBunny

At this point most of the hugs I’m involved in are just my kids using me as a napkin.

@silent_musings

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

@IGotsSmarts

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE BEING TURNED INTO GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES RIGHT NOW!