@AndyRichter

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

@ryaninco

There’s three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.

@aissalanis

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

@ramenfuneral

me: one time i almost got trampled to death in a mosh pit
kid: did you die?
me: hmm

@MyPolishFace

Me: We should go to the gym more often.
Him: I hate it there. It’s like a meat market. And I’m the expired meat.

@SteveKoehler22

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

@MomOnFire

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

@aveuaskew

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.