People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
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I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
At this point most of the hugs I’m involved in are just my kids using me as a napkin.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE BEING TURNED INTO GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES RIGHT NOW!