Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
You Might Also Like
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
fr
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶