Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
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My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?