Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
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Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
🤣🤣🤣
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫