Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
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ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.