back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

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the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates


Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.


The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.


Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”


I got hit by a car today, guys. Don’t worry. I’m okay. It just grazed me, ripped my cargo pants pocket clean off, egg rolls everywhere.


My decorating style is calculated placement of sentimental things around the house, so after I die, my husband can’t get laid.


[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore


Have you tried cracking open a cold book with the boys


Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”


Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.