@SvnSxty

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

You Might Also Like

@dollarslices

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

@AsgardianRose

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

@LindaInDisguise

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

@SuperDadish

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

@TySmithdrums

I got hit by a car today, guys. Don’t worry. I’m okay. It just grazed me, ripped my cargo pants pocket clean off, egg rolls everywhere.

@Rachelnoise

My decorating style is calculated placement of sentimental things around the house, so after I die, my husband can’t get laid.

@david8hughes

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

@Audenary

Have you tried cracking open a cold book with the boys

@ramblinma

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

@THEDUTHCHESS

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.