Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
You Might Also Like
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?