Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
You Might Also Like
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!