Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
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Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”