@StcyBnsn

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

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@gerryhatric

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

@farleftcoast

Grapes for breakfast it is!

Beautiful, fermented, aged, liquified grapes.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

@juliussharpe

“The Great Gatsby” is an awesome book about a rich guy who can’t get laid.

@SunnySideUp1987

If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.

@Mr_Kapowski

9 year old daughter: Are you sure?

Me: *shoving a banana in a fish bowl* What do you think a Sea Monkey eats?

@MissSassy_Pants

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

@Tylerosis

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.