Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
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My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.