Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

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A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.


Grapes for breakfast it is!

Beautiful, fermented, aged, liquified grapes.



GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?


“The Great Gatsby” is an awesome book about a rich guy who can’t get laid.


If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.


9 year old daughter: Are you sure?

Me: *shoving a banana in a fish bowl* What do you think a Sea Monkey eats?


I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.


“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.