Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
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No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean