@amydillon: Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
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@jctwritesstuff: Me: It's late. Go to sleep. Brain: K. Me: Brain: Me: *kinda dozing off* Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
@MissHavisham: Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
@braag_: hello vegans, if PIGS are so SMART why do 66% of them build houses with INEFFECTIVE, STUPID materials
@rmayemsinger: I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.