Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
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My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.