[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
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My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.