[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
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I need a headline like this
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
⛄️
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school