Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
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ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
reminder
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Word!
Got ya covered
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.