Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
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Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
stand with me against insufficient seating
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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