Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
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On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]