Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
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Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Don’t touch that.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
how high up are we talkin’?
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
incredible text to wake up to
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?