[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

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ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR


Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.


When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?


My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy


Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.


I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.


date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad


My daughter ruined her Halloween costume. Gonna wrap her in aluminum foil and send her out as a leftover.


(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.