ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
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Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
My daughter ruined her Halloween costume. Gonna wrap her in aluminum foil and send her out as a leftover.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.