[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
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As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
what?
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
A man of commitment.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
If you want my opinion ask my wife