@murrman5

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

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@DangOlWill

*Bad guy in pokemon voice* i want to end all life *after losing a fight* well fair’s fair here’s twenty dollars

@Bob_Janke

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

@kyry5

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

@themeredith

I love when guys ask how big my tits are like as if men have any idea what bra sizes mean. I could tell a guy I’m a WD-40 and he would be like “omg so hot”

@Puncroaker

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

@JeremyBRoberts

Scott Walker is dropping out of the Presidential race. In a nationwide poll of likely voters nearly 98% responded to the news with, “Who?”

@Sassafrantz

57% of serial killers were bed wetters until an unusually advanced age. Let’s make fun of them! What’s the worst that could hap..never mind.

@surrealvehicle

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

@AlisonChrista

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

@ch000ch

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight