[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
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I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
*seductively corrects your posture*
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.