The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.