Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
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In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.