I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
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Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.