@NurseMurderer

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

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@shawnries

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

@AlisonChrista

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

@TheDailySchmuck

Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”

@_NinJar

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

@thedad

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

@Beatonm5

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

@Book_Krazy

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

@ronnui_

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

@BoozieEyedJoe

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.