*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
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*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
When I tell prospective employers that I鈥檓 open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you鈥檙e in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My wife calls me a busy beaver 鈥榗ause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 馃槅馃槄馃檳
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
If your kids aren鈥檛 drinking enough water, tell them it鈥檚 bedtime.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
me: what鈥檚 the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight鈥檚 chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I鈥檒l come back tomorrow
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits